


Kick It Back

by afterthefair



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-26
Updated: 2008-03-26
Packaged: 2017-11-19 23:47:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/578955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterthefair/pseuds/afterthefair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer thinks the girls fall into a few distinct categories: the ones who either haven’t heard the news or don’t care, the ones who want to convert him, and the ones who shout “Kiss! Kiss!” every time he and Jon get within a foot of each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kick It Back

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to lovelypoet and clumsygyrl for early readthroughs and suggestions, and to frausorge and insipid_paragon for amazing beta work and going above and beyond in talking about this with me for months.

It’s different now, the shows and the meet and greets and talking to the solid wall of girls at the barricade afterwards. Spencer doesn’t think that the others feel it the same way he does. Brendon and Jon just smile benignly, joking with the fans about how the kids at school are going to be so jealous. Jon actually signs more bras now than he ever has before, which is endlessly hilarious to both him and Ryan. The girls apparently don’t know what the word “bisexual” means, if they think that renders Jon a safe option for getting up close and personal with their tits. The biggest change for Spencer is the number and variety of propositions he gets. Apparently, confessing a fondness for dick is just making the bold ones get creative.

Spencer thinks the girls fall into a few distinct categories: the ones who either haven’t heard the news or don’t care, the ones who want to convert him, and the ones who shout “Kiss! Kiss!” every time he and Jon get within a foot of each other. Jon is amused. “Maybe we should look into more threesomes,” he says thoughtfully one night after they’ve just had a gaggle of girls scream when Jon grabbed him around the waist to pose for a picture. Jon had burst into giggles and then nuzzled his face into Spencer’s neck, eliciting even more screeching. 

When he tensed, Jon pushed the hair away from Spencer’s face with his nose and whispered in his ear, “Careful. They’ll think I’m an abusive boyfriend and it’ll be all over the gossip sites by tomorrow.” Spencer had ducked his head down, thinking that he might as well play “the shy one” today, because “the inexplicably pissed off one” never really works as well as he hopes it will.

_________________

Their dramatic exit from the closet wasn’t the worst case scenario. It wasn’t even that dramatic. It was just a normal night out drinking, Jon and Spencer staying out a club longer than Brendon and Ryan, a stumble into an inconveniently well-lighted hallway in the back of the club, and their complete inability to remember that some people had camera phones that recorded video. No big scandal, no life-changing confessions to the media, just a situation that they couldn’t exactly deny. It comes up in interviews regularly, but Spencer thinks they’re getting better at not really talking about it.

Today, they’re talking to a DJ for some half-assed Clear Channel-owned alternative station, and Spencer’s waiting for the inevitable. The DJ (Spencer hadn’t been paying attention to his name; Kevin, Carl, Kyle? Kyle.) finally gets around to it after they’ve finished the “we don’t think we’re the new Beatles” portion of the conversation.

“So, you guys have had some scandal recently, with gay rumors about your band.” Spencer misses the days when they asked leading questions instead of just laying it out there. He’s about to redirect the conversation when Brendon jumps in.

“Do they still count as rumors if there’s video footage on the internet?” Brendon smiles wide at the DJ and Spencer can’t stop the endless loop of _what the fucking fuck are you doing?_ running through his head. It’s only been two weeks and Brendon is already fucking up the party line.

Even Kyle the nosy DJ seems surprised. “Then it’s true? What do you guys get up to on that tour bus? Anyone running off to Massachusetts to get married?” He’s smiling back at Brendon and ignoring the rest of them.

“I think we’d all say we’re married to the band. Some of us just take those vows more seriously than others, you know?” Brendon smiles back, that manic grin he gets when he’s selling complete bullshit. When he shifts the conversation to another topic, the DJ follows along.

After, when they’re back on the bus, Spencer retreats to his bunk and refuses to talk to any of them. He hears breathing outside his bunk and knows it must be Brendon. He’s the only one who will get audibly huffy when ignored.

“I know we’re still doing the ‘neither confirm nor deny’ thing, but one of us had to just bite the bullet.” Spencer refuses to respond. “Dude. I think I get the moral high ground here. I wasn’t the one jerking Jon off in public and bringing gay scandal down on all of us.”

Spencer thinks that Brendon’s just been lucky enough to not get caught.

“Fine, be a pissy bitch about it. They’re gonna keep asking. You might as well just embrace it and move the fuck on with your life.”

Brendon’s feet move off towards the lounge and Spencer lies there, staring at the ceiling of his bunk until Zack tells him he has to get his ass to soundcheck.

_________________

After a particularly disturbing phone conversation with one of his sisters, Spencer goes to find someone, anyone who’s still awake on the bus. When he gets to the lounge, Jon is the only one there, of course. Spencer drops down onto the couch next to him, shifting to get comfortable. He’s tense in his muscles, in that way that he usually gets before shows but without the euphoria.

“What are we watching?” It’s animated, and there’s some sort of brightly colored anthropomorphic animal talking to a guy. Jon has the TV on mute.

“I don’t know. Ryan’s going through a foreign animation phase. I just like the colors.” Jon turns to look at Spencer, grabbing him by the arm and tugging. “Come here.”

Spencer doesn't respond, just lays his head down on Jon's leg, rubbing his face into the denim like it's actually comfortable. "My mom stopped pointedly not freaking out long enough to give my sisters a lecture on unconditional love and accepting diversity. Apparently, it was emotionally scarring." He looks straight up into Jon's eyes, butting his head back against Jon's stomach. "Also, there are girls at their school who want pictures of us kissing. I haven't decided if that's fucked up or not."

Jon rubs at the back of Spencer's neck. It’s soothing. Jon’s this unsettling mix of the guy who gives wedgies and laughs at all the wrong moments and the guy who always knows exactly when you need to go out and have a beer and just not talk about it. He doesn’t even seem calculating in his charm, which is a skill Spencer wishes he could pick up.

He’s carding his fingers through Spencer’s hair now, and Spencer really can’t remember Jon being this affectionate before. Jon starts talking, almost lazily. “My mother has refused my advice to not Google me. And both of my brothers called to check in. You have to promise not to punch anyone if they call you ‘the little woman’ the next time they see you.” Spencer turns his head to bite at Jon’s stomach. “I thought of telling them that you usually top, but that’s a little too much information.”

Spencer laughs without really meaning to. “Don’t tell Brendon, though. He’ll mention it in the next interview, because god help us if someone gets the wrong idea about our sexual preferences,” Spencer says. He turns his head on Jon’s leg, the scratch of the denim muted because Jon always wears jeans that are soft and frayed, as if he can’t just buy new ones.

“I’d think you’d want that to come out, dude. The revelation that you’re the one doing the fucking? That would buy you so many manly points you could actually shave off the thing on your face.” Jon’s smiling kind of mockingly, and Spencer thinks again, so fucking charming, he can say pretty much anything and it comes out as a good-natured joke.

“You know you love it. I’m surprised you and Brendon don’t compare beard burn stories about your hookups.” He heaves himself off Jon’s lap and pulls his shirt down from where it’s rucked up from his shifting on the couch. 

“Yeah, it’s been a while, though, so I only have memory to go on.” Jon’s voice is completely mild.

“It’s been less than a month. There are like four merch girls who’d go for you if you’re that hard up.”

“Dude, I’m just saying. You’ve been kind of weird about being touched since,” he waves his hand kind of vaguely in the air, “this whole thing. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

It’s completely infuriating; Jon knows he hates that shit. “Have we reached the passive aggressive bullshit portion of the conversation?” He looks up at the TV again; there’s a girl talking excitedly to a butterfly. Jon exhales loudly, and Spencer refuses to turn back to him.

“No passive aggressive bullshit. Just stating facts.” When Spencer finally looks back at him, Jon is looking at the TV, too. Determinedly not looking at Spencer.

“Hey, just don’t make me sound like some girl who won’t put out on prom night.” Jon snorts in response, but it’s forced, and Spencer once again wonders how he ended up being the asshole in this situation. “I’m going to — you know, call my dad, see if Mom’s talked to him too, caught him in her reign of acceptance terror.” 

He gestures lamely at the bunks, and Jon smiles. “Say ‘hi’ for me. Tell him I’m not taking your virtue.” 

Spencer recognizes an out and heads back to his bunk.

_________________

Somehow, Spencer gets stuck rooming with Brendon now on hotel nights. There’s even an extra room now, since Keltie’s joined them, but Jon managed to snag that before Spencer could even protest. He wonders if he’s projecting his issues that loudly, like a neon sign reading, “Spencer is a fragile flower! Don’t leave him alone right now!”

Not that they’re following that advice, because Brendon is nowhere to be found, probably with Ryan and Keltie, complaining about his lot in life. Spencer’s ensconced in his bed, reading one of Ryan’s way too pretentious books. Maybe he’ll fall asleep. Maybe he’ll bore himself to death and then they’ll all be sorry. As if he’s heard this thought, Brendon bounces into the room, stopping next to Spencer’s bed and smiling down at him.

“You here to tell me to lighten the fuck up?” He puts the book to the side, carefully laying it down as if he really cares about what he’s reading.

“Hell, no. The Giggle Twins are pissing me off. And Keltie’s with them, so they’re gonna be high for days.”

“And you’re not with them because…” He waits for Brendon to answer, but Brendon is preoccupied going around the bed and shoving Spencer’s stuff to the floor.

“I could ask you the same question.” He stretches out on the bed and rests his head on one hand, leaning in to Spencer like they’re sharing a secret. “We’re still a family, Spence. We should still feel comfortable enough to all smoke up together. It’ll be awesome: we’ll all hold hands and promise to never again get taped having illicit gay sex.” 

Spencer feels a laugh force its way out. Brendon beams at him, and Spencer has to turn away and look at the ceiling. 

“Seriously. Come back to the fold. Little Ryan misses you most of all.”

Brendon drags him to Ryan’s room, pulling him along like a recalcitrant child. When they get into the room, Keltie bounces up off the bed to throw her arms around Spencer. She smells like citrus and smoke, rather than the old socks smell they’ve all accepted at this stage of touring. Spencer kind of loves Keltie.

“Spencer. Are you okay? Come sit with me, you need hugs.” She drags him to the bed and cuddles him, shoving Ryan over closer to Jon. “I’ve decided that you can be my new gay best friend.”

Spencer hears Brendon give an offended “Hey!” and laughs against Keltie’s hair.

“You know I’m not actually gay, right?”

Jon speaks up from the other side of the bed, his voice slow and measured. “It’s true. Spencer is in no way gay. Every time he’s fallen face first into my crotch has been accidental.”

Ryan bursts into giggles, and Jon joins him, and there’s really nothing Spencer can say to that.

Keltie turns back to him. “You can be my bi best friend. Is that okay?”

He wants to tell her that it’s not, but her eyes are glassy and she’s petting his hair, so he nods.

Jon and Ryan have started a discussion of the psychosexual dynamics of Spongebob Squarepants, which Keltie apparently feels very strongly about, so she climbs off of him to join in. He’s kind of at a loss suddenly, but Brendon’s handing him the pipe. He takes it without looking Brendon in the eye.

_________________

Jon is knocking back beers in the lounge when Spencer joins him after the show. If it were Spencer, it would be drinking to cope with the stress, but it’s Jon, so he’s probably drinking because it’s Tuesday. They’ve both been grounded by Zack, “in light of recent events” as Ryan puts it, so they’re uncomfortably alone again.

He lies down on one couch, looking up at the ceiling and trying not to listen to Jon noodle on his guitar. He can’t remember ever being this bored in his life.

Jon tells him about a group of girls in the front row, wearing what appeared to be t-shirts with rainbow flags. He hadn’t been sure, they were too crushed in the mob at the front, but when he gave them a thumbs up, they threw their arms in the air and screamed.

“They just flipped out, hugging each other. It was fucking amazing. That they care that much, you know? That it means that much.”

Spencer has found a copy of Blender to flip through, and it’s thankfully not the issue with the blurb on their newfound gay cred. “They always lose their shit when you acknowledge them. Don’t underestimate the power of your thumbs up, dude. It has panties dropping everywhere.”

Jon turns to look at him, putting down his guitar and picking up his beer. “It’s more than that. This means something to them.” Jon looks back down. “Maybe if you weren’t so pissy that the world knows you sometimes suck cock, you could actually enjoy this.”

Somehow, and he’s not sure how, Spencer’s role in this little drama has become “self-hating homophobic asshole.” He puts the magazine down and goes back to staring at the ceiling.

_________________

They’re doing a satellite interview with a TV station in Europe. He can barely understand the interviewer through her thickly accented English, but it helps that she’s only asking them the standard questions.

“What’s your favorite rumor?” She seems amused by the question. Her information clearly states that she is not to bring up any gay scandal. Spencer knows. He’d insisted on it.

“My favorite is that Spencer and I are in love.” Jon turns to smile at Spencer, his eyes slightly glazed. Spencer turns as casually as he can to Ryan, who is looking past him at Jon.

“You mean that one’s not true?” Ryan is refusing to follow the script. 

“We’re just fooling around. I think he’s using me.” They giggle at each other across Brendon and Spencer. Spencer suddenly remembers why Ryan and Jon are no longer allowed to do interviews together.

_________________

When Ryan settles next to him on the couch in the back lounge, he sits farther away than he usually does. They’d had a mostly silent conversation when the news first broke, all “are you okay?” “I’m okay if you’re okay,” and then said nothing more about it. This distance is new. He knows Ryan like he knows his sisters, probably better than he knows himself, and it’s pretty clear that Ryan’s about to say something he thinks Spencer probably doesn’t want to hear.

“Uh.” Ryan’s looking at the floor. “I know it sucks. But, you know, thanks.”

“For what?” He knows, but he wants Ryan to say it, to make him own it.

“I still think it was a good idea to keep quiet about Brendon. And this is unfair, I know that. At least Brendon got to make a choice. But now — people actually listen to me now, they listen to us.” He looks up at Spencer’s face, settling on his forehead rather than his eyes. “They wouldn’t — before —” He breaks off and looks away.

It’s true. It’s not that different, but they’re getting a lot of interview requests that they didn’t before. The press clippings they get are mostly favorable, which is still a novelty.

“You’re welcome.” He looks down at his hands and then at Ryan’s. They’re both clenching, trembling white knuckles showing in their fists. “Hey, it’s not like Pitchfork is calling. Don’t thank me too much.”

Ryan looks up at him then, and he’s got the wide grin that Spencer’s seen more in the past year than he had in the fifteen before it. He’d never expected anything like this back when Ryan was skinny and fearless and sure of himself, and Spencer was none of those things. If he’s honest, he’d probably have sex with Jon on national television if it would make Ryan keep looking at him the way he is now.

_________________

“So, you’ve had some scandal lately with rumors that your band has had some romantic entanglements.” The radio interviewer sounds benign, like she’s not leading Brendon. Spencer’s not sure why Brendon’s been allowed to do solo interviews anyway, since he broke the “shut the fuck up about it and don’t go on the record” Bob McLynn Edict in under two weeks.

“Yeah, it’s just a big gay orgy on the Panic at the Disco bus.” 

The interviewer laughs it off, and Spencer thinks he might call Crush’s offices to apologize personally. At least Brendon’s still nominally keeping himself in the closet. Two queer bandmembers are news, but three are a joke.

“The rumors are true, then?” 

“We just feel like we’re still the same guys, you know, whether we’re gay or bi or whatever. It doesn’t really change anything for us, so why should it change how people look at us?” The interviewer starts to say something, but Brendon cuts her off. “But I’m still pulling for a Jefferson Airplane-style implosion. We’re running out of song ideas, man. It’d be a goldmine.”

_________________

They’re watching a movie in the lounge, just the two of them again. Zack hasn’t let up on Jon and Spencer’s grounding, and Spencer assumes that Ryan and Brendon are still out, doing whatever people who aren’t on Big Gay Punishment get to do.

Halfway through the movie, Jon’s head is lying awkwardly next to Spencer’s thigh, farther away than they would have been Before, but pretty par for the course these days. When he looks down, Jon is looking up at him.

Jon awkwardly gets up onto his elbows, leaning up to kiss him, and Spencer can admit that he’s missed this. He leans in some and Jon turns onto his side, his hands clutching at Spencer’s back to pull him closer. Spencer pulls back to let Jon get into a better position, facing him, and then dives back in. There are little things that Spencer had to learn that he remembers now, like the way Jon breathes too hard in his ear, and how he’s not the world’s best kisser. He hadn’t noticed that he’d been paying attention.

It’s almost too easy to let Jon strip them both and pull Spencer back on top of him on the lounge couch. They’ve done this enough times that Jon’s legs settle comfortably around Spencer’s back, without having to stop and figure out what exactly they’re doing. 

When Jon’s panting against his cheek, moving with his thrusts, Spencer can’t stop thinking about how normal this feels, even though they haven’t touched each other in weeks. He knows what to watch for, the stupidly endearing whimper that Jon makes right before he comes, the way he clenches his fingers into Spencer’s sides. It’s easy to just go along with it, burying his face into Jon’s neck and shuddering through it.

He’s still feeling aftershocks when he moves away from Jon, noticing that it’s really cold in the lounge, and it’s getting late, so Brendon and Ryan will be back soon. Jon hasn’t made a move except to stretch. Spencer takes care of the condom and pulls his clothes back on.

“We’ve been in here forever; they’re going to be banging on the door any minute. So, yeah, I’m…” He’s so lame, he can’t even come up with an excuse. There’s just that choked feeling again, closing in and he can’t breathe. Jon’s eyes narrow, but he pulls his pants back on. Spencer opens the door and finds no one around. He goes straight to his bunk and closes himself in.

_________________

They’re being shadowed by a writer and photographer from Spin, and they’re playing along, saying exactly the things they’re supposed to say, doing that carefully composed dance of, “We don’t really give a fuck, we’re not your teen idol role models.”

The journalist they get this time would not have been Spencer’s first choice. She pushes when she sees an opening, and Spencer’s still not used to that. They usually still go for Ryan or Brendon.

When the interviewer asks the “Are you seeing anyone?” question this time, Spencer finds himself jumping in, saying, “I think you already know the answer to that, don’t you?” She looks taken aback, and he realizes that it’s been a long time since he actually said whatever he felt like saying to the press. She recovers quickly, though.

“Has your relationship caused any strain in the band?” She looks directly at Spencer as she asks, and while he’s forming a response, he feels a hand against his neck.

When he looks up, Jon’s leaning down to look at him, shy smile on his face as if that still works for him. “Nothing’s really changed, you know? We’re all still best friends.” Jon grins at the reporter and she smiles back.

It’s a crafted moment, Spencer knows, because the photographer is always somewhere around. Spencer can just see him out of the corner of his eye, looming. He’s always hated the ride-along journalists. With photoshoots it’s different, because on some level they can control who they want to be today. But this is constant acting. He smiles back at Jon, and hopes the article doesn’t end up as a hatchet job about how their gay romance is tearing the band apart.

_________________

They’re in a dressing room, halfway through the first opener, when Spencer notices Jon laughing at something on the internet.

“Spencer, seriously, check this out.” He pulls Spencer closer to him by his wrist, and Spencer finds himself looking at a really ugly website showing pictures of the two of them together. He really had no idea he’d been photographed with Jon this many times.

“Aww, Spencer, it’s a shrine to our love.” Jon is smiling widely, like this is actually hilarious. 

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“What, that people know we’re fucking? It’s not like being pissed off is going to change that.” He’s infuriatingly calm. Spencer shifts closer, aware of the number of people walking in and out of the room.

“It’s just huge now. If we show up anywhere together, it’s because we’re a couple. You know, someone actually referred to me as ‘the gay one’ on a blog.” 

Jon laughs out loud. “Spence, you only make up one third of this band’s gayness. We know the truth.”

“That’s not the point. I’m just more famous for what I do with your dick than anything about me. And you’re always fucking joking about it, like it doesn’t matter.”

Jon leans in, breathing into Spencer’s face. “That’s because it doesn’t matter. Whatever we say, people are going to read it the way they want to. There are a lot of things pissing me off about this situation, but that’s not one of them.”

Spencer turns away, and sees Eric walking by, studiously not looking at them. Zack has no such qualms, and looks ready to break up a fight. Spencer turns back when Jon starts to talk to him.

“I’m sorry that fucking me wasn’t worth ruining your life over. And if I didn’t think you’d freak out, I’d apologize in public.” He stands up and walks away.

_________________

“You’re an idiot.” Brendon keeps cornering him in hotel rooms when he can’t conceivably escape. It’s really fucking annoying. They have at least eight hours of being in one room together and then it’s back to the bus. At least Spencer can pull a curtain there.

“You’re lucky he’s more pissed off than hurt.” Brendon hands him a beer. When Spencer gives him a questioning look, Brendon just says, “I’m planning on getting you drunk enough to be honest.”

“So, Jiminy Cricket, what serious conversation are we having tonight?”

Brendon settles in next to him on the bed, crossing his legs. He’s holding himself still and tense, and Spencer gets the feeling that this is going to be more difficult for Brendon than it is for him.

“How much of your being a dick is about you and Jon and how much of it is about you being pissed at me?”

“I’m not —”

“Dude, you’re pissed. I get it, you had to come out to the world and it’s not like you’re even gay. Not like me, right?” Spencer wants to protest, but there’s really nothing about what Brendon’s said that isn’t true. “Did you think that maybe I was pissed at you, before all this happened?”

“What? Why?”

Brendon starts to peel the label off of his beer, looking down in concentration. “I watched you fuck another guy for months and still talk about how straight you are. So, sorry if I was a little bit happy that you had to deal with that. I mean, when’s the last time you had sex with a girl? Or anyone other than Jon?”

Spencer doesn’t want to answer that, so he just leans into Brendon.

“But you’re not mad at Jon?”

“Jon is — If the world says that being with a guy makes Jon gay, he’s just gonna roll with it. He may disagree, and dude, you’re an idiot if you haven’t realized that he does disagree, but it’s not going to keep him up at night.” He pulls Spencer closer and looks him in the eye. “You, though. You’re going to freak out about it until your world makes sense again. And, dude, no one else is going to work on your timetable. And I’m a little sick of you looking at me like I’m the Gay Agenda Nazi.”

“You kind of are.”

“What the fuck ever. You need help and if I have to force it on you, then I will.” Spencer kicks him. “Look, you can take forever to figure it out if you want to, but we’re still going to get a million Buzznet photos of you and Jon every time you get within three feet of each other. This is still going to make us more famous. So, roll with it. You’re the only one here who’s trying to fit you into a box, Spencer.”

He can’t really argue. Brendon chugs his beer, and Spencer follows his example. 

“So, are you ever going to come out? Like, do more than joke about it?” He’s looking at Brendon’s hands, cradling the half-empty bottle.

“Truth?”

“This is drunken honesty night.”

Brendon gives a short laugh. “Probably not. I mean, eventually, yeah — but, just not anytime soon. If I were with someone and it was serious, maybe. But right now it would cause too much drama, and then there’s my family —”

“So, you’re following the Liberace plan.” Spencer doesn’t want to push him, but it’s seriously unfair.

“Fuck you, I could rock a full-length mink.”

Spencer leans over and picks up another beer. He leans his head on Brendon’s chest, just tipsy enough that he can get away with it. He thinks he probably should have eaten today.

“So, are we cool?” Brendon asks him, petting his hair.

Spencer burrows into him. “Yeah,” he says. He’s pretty sure they both know he’s lying.

_________________

They get a preliminary copy of the _Spin_ article before it comes out, and Spencer reads that “Smith turns to his boyfriend, bassist Jon Walker,” in the description of their conversation. He doesn’t freak out. Much.

_________________

Spencer finds Jon sitting in the back lounge, playing Halo. He hesitates, and Jon speaks up before he can say anything.

“You know, it took me forever to learn to fight with you. Ryan and Brendon are easy, but I was always afraid I’d say something that would really piss you off, and you’d say something completely out of line, and we’d never get over it.”

Spencer sits next to him on the couch, watching him play.

“It isn’t that bad, you know? Bill and Mike have these epic shouting matches that go on for days. And Nick and Mikey used to throw things. In the van, even. So if Brendon keeps poking at you until you snap, or you and Ryan get bitchy at each other, I know it could be worse. Because you eventually just move the fuck on.”

He pauses the game, and pulls Spencer towards him. Spencer settles his head on Jon’s shoulder. “The first time I saw you and Ryan fight, I had no idea what to do. But Brendon told me you were crazy freaks who had to work out your own shit. And he also told me that your mom says that half the time she thinks you're still arguing over that time in '93 when you peed in Ryan's Batman costume.” Spencer tries to jerk away. “Dude, I actually asked your mom about it the last time I was in Vegas. She confirmed.” 

Spencer is going to have to talk to his mother about how she is clearly a traitor. And also ask what other embarrassing things she’s told Jon, because that shit’s just not on.

“She lied. I never peed in a Batman costume. It was all a big misunderstanding.”

“Oh, I believe you. It would be kinda hard to misunderstand something like that, but I completely believe you. And I’m totally on your side.” He laughs against Spencer’s hair, but Spencer lets it pass. 

“My point is, I’m not Ryan. I’m not even Brendon. I don’t know what to say to you half the time, and you’re fucking scary when you’re pissed off. I said some shit, you said some shit, I’m declaring this fight over. Okay?” Spencer knows he’s being let off the hook, so he just nods. Jon goes back to his game.

_________________

There’s a girl who catches Spencer’s eye in the line along the barricade after the show. Her eyes are shining as she tells Spencer about how her parents were really supportive when she had a girlfriend, and it was awesome. But there’s this guy now, and she really likes him and she doesn’t know what to do. Spencer is trying to gracefully get out of the conversation, but he can’t really. She’s so earnest. “You know what it’s like, you know? People don’t get it.” Spencer doesn’t know what to say. She asks for a hug, and he gives it gladly, a little dazed.

_________________

That night, he finds himself awkwardly standing next to Ryan's bunk. He doesn’t really know what to say, so he stays quiet, waiting, until Ryan speaks up.

"Why are you just standing there? Do you want something?" Spencer looks determinedly at the edge of the bunk. “Spence, you're like eight feet tall now, you're not sharing my bunk with me.” They look at each other for a moment before Ryan moves to pull back his covers. Spencer thinks he must look more out of sorts than he realizes.

He clambers into Ryan's top bunk, and they jostle each other trying to get comfortable. Spencer ends up closer to the wall, with Ryan on the outside. Ryan elbows him in the side and their legs get tangled together until he says, "Wait, turn over. Why are you so bony?" He makes Ryan turn over and then curves around him.

"Are you actually spooning me? Dude." Ryan tries to turn his head and ends up hitting Spencer in the chin.

"Ow. And shut up, it's more comfortable this way, you're a stick figure." 

"Does Jon tell you that? Maybe you should let your boyfriend know he's impugning your manhood by never letting you be the bigger spoon." Spencer hits him on the back of the head, and Ryan hits him on the leg before they settle down.

It’s been a while since Spencer shared a bed with anyone. Ryan smells like cigarettes and incense now, different enough from when Spencer used to share a bed with him that he actually pays attention to it. Jon always smells like weed and sweat after a show, and by the time they'd actually started sleeping together it was familiar enough to be comfortable.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” he mumbles into Ryan’s hair.

“Do you even believe that anymore? Because the rest of us don’t.” He smacks Spencer on the hip. “Just accept it and move on, Spence. You’re the only one who cares.” Spencer pushes his face deeper into Ryan’s hair and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Spencer’s awakened by someone opening the curtain to Ryan's bunk. Spencer opens his eyes to look at Jon and just lies there, waiting. 

Jon grins at him. "I'm kind of disappointed that you couldn't wait until you were off the bus to cheat on me." 

Spencer gives a half-smile back. He pushes over Ryan, trying not to wake him as he clambers out of the bunk. It doesn’t work, and he gets kicked in the side on the way out. He ends up standing next to Ryan's bunk, right up against Jon, who keeps smiling back at him. 

Ryan mumbles, "Go away and have your sappy relationship talk somewhere else,” as he pulls his curtain shut. Spencer thinks his eyes must have gotten huge because Jon just laughs and tugs at his hand. 

"Come on. Brendon wants to have an Indiana Jones marathon. I'll let you fall asleep on me." He drags Spencer to the lounge.

_________________

Their first night off the tour, they’re at Spencer's house, all four of them smoking up in the living room. Ryan decrees that they’re watching his DVDs of Carnivale, assuring them that it’s even trippier when you’re blazed. It’s the first time they’ve spent much time in Spencer’s house since the interior decorator finished up, and his living room looks exactly like you'd expect the living room of someone respectable and upper middle-class to look, kind of like he went through the Ethan Allen catalog and just bought the first collection that seemed suitable. Jon suggests to Spencer that they head out for a shopping trip to Restoration Hardware, to prove they're really settling into this publicly gay thing.

They’re halfway through the first set of DVDs, when the carnival is on its way to Babylon, when Brendon turns to Jon.

“Dude, where are you crashing this time?” He’s learned how to ask pointed questions without sounding pointed, and Spencer doesn’t know when that happened.

Jon looks confused for a moment before saying, “I hadn’t thought that far.”

Spencer can feel Ryan looking at him, and Brendon will probably be next. "Whatever, everyone in the world who's ever heard our names knows we're fucking. I think you can sleep over." His heart’s pounding now, which is ridiculous considering how many times Jon has crashed here.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be in your way —”

“Dude, shut the fuck up. It’s fine.”

Jon looks down at his hands and says, “Okay.”

Spencer lets out a breath and thinks, _Okay._


End file.
